It's the 17th of October. ARGH.

It's her birthday today and my mind is in a complete turmoil. Totally feel like screaming and finding a way to get over this frustration. I know I love her and I hate knowing that she just doesn't want to love me again. It feels like she does have some feelings in there still but she's just refusing to let me in again because of things that have happened. But maybe I can just find some way to work myself back in, slowly.

Wrote 2 letters, a card and sent an email. And wished her a good birthday on her Facebook like she requested. Maybe I'm just being too obedient, but at least she's still wanting attention from me. Sounds silly but it's a positive thing for me to try to work with. It's just a lot better than having her tell me she wants completely nothing to do with me. Maybe it's a lie, maybe it's just her wanting something for herself without giving anything in return. I don't know, but if I keep thinking that way, I won't be able to put in the right effort.

It's a complicated mess and I know I only want one outcome from it, the other outcomes are a lot more possible to happen, but the one that I want, the more I have to work harder at it to prove to her that I'm serious this time and that I really want to make everything work out with her.

Here's wishing and hoping and praying and working my ass off to make what I want happen.