I can feel my heart getting smaller and smaller.

I think I'm dying inside again. She's started talking to me and slowly and sure it's wearing down my resolve and just ripping me apart at the seams, and once again, feels like she doesn't care and just wants to get whatever she wants to get off her chest off at me. I don't know if she just feels comfortable talking to me or she just wants to string me along or something, I'm just in that state of 'whatever just keeps me from going crazy'.

Can't do anything to get closer, can't do anything to get away. I feel like a deer in the headlights of a trailer truck. I can't run back, can't run forward and the lights of the truck are just so blindingly appealing and I know it's just going to run me down.

The disappointment here is that it won't kill me. Ripped, torn, battered and destroyed, but very very much alive and hurting. I almost wish there was a quick way to end it, but that would involve me jumping out my window or going over to Germany to end her life. Either being stupid options. But then, the first and best solution I want just won't work out until she turns around again.

Sigh. Lots of sighs.