Sitting here at Sentosa and feeling completely like crap.

All being here now does is remind me that I'm not with her and it just tears me into tiny little bits inside. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way still but I will continue to as much as I live. It was something good when we were together aand i was and am sure it would keep being that way. What we fought about from time to time were over the smallest and pointless things just probably due to the frustrations of being apart. I can admit that i miss her and I don't resent her for her choice. I'm just hoping to be able at the least to make things right and win her heart back. Nothing else really seems to matter at this point and it's not just the words based on me being a sad little boy.

It's love or the way I feel it. I want my life with her and really no one else.

Kinda feels like an extended time that I haven't blogged, but it's only been 2 days.

No idea at all why I'm doing this at 3am in the morning. Since I'll probably have something else to blog about sometime in the day later. But well, it's just good to have something to let out before I go to bed. Logically it's supposed to keep myself from having nightmares if I go to bed with a very occupied frame of mind.

Things seem and feel as if they're looking up on a very positive side for me with her. But I don't really know how positive they are at the moment and if they'll stay positive for long. I suppose in the soon to be immortalised words of Beyonce "If you like it you should've put a ring on it." and essentially, that's what I'm working towards into doing sometime in the upcoming new year. Whether that will happen, itself is a huge risk that I'm undertaking, although at some point I'm sure to have that feeling that I'm heading for an epic fail situation.

But I think my mind is pretty set on that somehow. Which isn't a good thing since love is and has to be mutual and at the moment, it's not exactly pretty roses and cute kitties on both sides of the fence. The main factor at the moment is that I really need to save up whatever spare money I have, which technically should be quite a bit, to both pay for a ring and for my plane ticket to actually fly over and propose. Depending on the situation as well, I'll have to have enough cash to tide me over staying in a hotel for an indefinite amount of time there too. This is just one of those plans that should work in some simplistic manner, but because of the entirely human element on which it is based on, I'm also possibly heading for a one way ticket to my own personal nightmare.

I know, I should have done most of what I should have done years ago, in fact if I had done it last year and didn't be a screwed up asshole, life could possibly be a little more assured right now. Seriously, I think I make some really bad choices in life and really end up leaving too many things for too late and this time, I really want to make it right and get everything going in the direction that I want.

I want her to be happy and I want to be happy too. And in my current frame of mind and hope for the future, that situation will stem from us being together. Of course marriage is a big thing and I'm not just throwing this out on a whim but over a very thought out and calculated course of action that I hope to take in the next 2-3 months. The plan of action is already underway and I just have to ensure that I don't end up doing something that could intentionally mess up whatever I am planning. I don't want another heartbreak, either for her or for me and in future, the main thing is to make everything work.

Ich liebe dich...

My stomach is churning like crazy today.

Could be because of something I ate, or just having that horrid feeling once again. Really feeling completely uneasy when I think about her today. And I know I shouldn't be and if I am feeling that way, I should just get my ass down to Germany to see her. But she won't want to see me and I'll probably get more shit for flying down just like that. I guess I really don't get women and I probably never will.

I just miss her and I'm thinking of every single way I might have a chance to convince her that I care enough to be committed to her and that I really hope that she'll understand that. But every option I've thought about potentially wouldn't work or just doesn't seem to have a chance of succeeding. I somewhat feel like I'm being bounced around slightly and at her beck and call, but I really know that I can't afford to lose her. I don't see myself in any sort of relationship with anyone else. After all, I've tried looking at the option before and it clearly didn't happen in any shape or form, except for that one stupid mistake, and I'm really never going to walk down that path again.

I wish she could understand that I'm really serious about our relationship, not that I've never been and that we could work things out. After all, I can't be that horrid a guy can I?

Sigh.

I've not tweeted for almost 3 days.

Not a big deal for some, but I guess it deserves a little bit of a mention since she used to complain that I am such a 'Twitter freak'. Which I suppose makes a little bit of sense. The tweets seemed to have gotten worse after I got my new phone, but the last two days have shown, that it's not really a big deal to just stop posting and having conversations on Twitter.

Talking about conversations, it's surprising how easily it is to stop people from talking to you. All you have to do is stop responding to them, but then it really takes away that entire point of 'if people like you, they'll always want to talk to you or find out how you are'. Ok, maybe I'm pushing the envelope with that a little too much, but then isn't it allowed for me to have some sort of expectations with certain things?

I suppose I'm just not really that important in the eyes of most people. And everyone wonders why I'm clinging so hard to my ex. For the main reason that, AT THE END, SHE STILL CARES A LOT MORE THAN MOST OF THE OTHER PEOPLE I'VE MET IN MY LIFE.

And yes, I don't have to move on and deal with it. More than enough people have aptly proven to me that moving on doesn't bring anything positive with it. There's an element of trust in any situation and in any direction. And if you're just acting concerned because it makes you feel like you're doing something good, then maybe you're doing something wrong. Because at the end, it takes a little bit of commitment somehow to get things done.

Missed posting on Sunday since I was sort of making a concentrated effort at staying off the internet. Or rather, just chatting with people.

I went for 24 full hours and I'm pretty proud of it, not that it's anything amazing. Just felt that I wanted to do it because I just got sick of feeling that situation where I'm trying too hard with everything. And it always feels that way with everything, especially most people. You know the situation where people are picking teams for games and stuff? I'm pretty sure 99% of the time, I'd probably be passed on or just picked last. It's getting annoying but I suppose that's just how things are in my life.

I might be nitpicking on this, but when it turns out all the time that people just don't have any interest in hanging out with me, I suppose it's just me and I'm just not the sort of person people have any interest in hanging out with. I guess I'm just ranting for the sake of ranting, I mean, I do accept that stupid situation but it's just bleh.

Okay, total rant in this post, and there's nothing much else that I feel like saying. Gotta look at work this week and probably some bit of school assignments too. I just wish something positive happened today.

It's the 17th of October. ARGH.

It's her birthday today and my mind is in a complete turmoil. Totally feel like screaming and finding a way to get over this frustration. I know I love her and I hate knowing that she just doesn't want to love me again. It feels like she does have some feelings in there still but she's just refusing to let me in again because of things that have happened. But maybe I can just find some way to work myself back in, slowly.

Wrote 2 letters, a card and sent an email. And wished her a good birthday on her Facebook like she requested. Maybe I'm just being too obedient, but at least she's still wanting attention from me. Sounds silly but it's a positive thing for me to try to work with. It's just a lot better than having her tell me she wants completely nothing to do with me. Maybe it's a lie, maybe it's just her wanting something for herself without giving anything in return. I don't know, but if I keep thinking that way, I won't be able to put in the right effort.

It's a complicated mess and I know I only want one outcome from it, the other outcomes are a lot more possible to happen, but the one that I want, the more I have to work harder at it to prove to her that I'm serious this time and that I really want to make everything work out with her.

Here's wishing and hoping and praying and working my ass off to make what I want happen.

You Keep Me Hangin' On - Dianna Argon (from the TV series GLEE, orginally by Diana Ross and the Supremes)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMJeZMfGu_I


Set me free, why don't cha babe
Get out my life, why don't cha babe
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on
You don't really need me
But you keep me hangin' on

Why do you keep a coming around
Playing with my heart?
Why don't you get out of my life
And let me make a new start?
Let me get over you
The way you've gotten over me

Set me free, why don't cha babe
Let me be, why don't cha babe
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on
Now you don't really want me
You just keep me hangin' on

You say although we broke up
You still wanna be just friends
But how can we still be friends
When seeing you only breaks my heart again
And there ain't nothing I can do about it

Woo, set me free, why don't cha babe
Woo, get out my life, why don't cha babe
Set me free, why don't cha babe
Get out my life, why don't cha babe

You claim you still care for me
But your heart and soul needs to be free
Now that you've got your freedom
You wanna still hold on to me
You don't want me for yourself
So let me find somebody else Hey!

Why don't you be a man about it
And set me free
Now you don't care a thing about me
You're just using me
Go on, get out, get out of my life
And let me sleep at night
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on...

Lots of random things happening, in all situations.

School has been a little hectic, managed to finish two key assignments for the week and have a bit of a breather for the moment. Ended class early yesterday and a couple of us decided to grab dinner together. Turned out to be a pretty interesting conversation and I got to talk to another one of my classmates that I actually haven't spoken to before in the course of the semester. Surprising isn't it?

Apart from that, managed to keep the day under proper emotions, and complete my assignment at the same time. Things got a little convoluted into the later part of the evening as the ex popped in to chat with me, which of course opened up that old can of worms and got me a little frightened. I really don't know what she's thinking and where we stand and it really really sucks.

Got dragged out by my friend to go exploring random parts of Singapore again, which also ended up being a really long two hour drive. Seriously, it's amazing to know all the odd little hidden corners of Singapore that can be frighteningly dark and spooky. But well, at least I can say I've seen those odd places that most people wouldn't even think of going to. I guess that's something positive to bring out of it.

Work's going fine, except a new patch has seemed to completely screw everything in the world up. Just crossing my fingers here and hoping that a reinstall will be able to fix some of the issue somehow before I end up complaining that it's totally screwed and they have to do a rollback of the patch.

There's a slight growing bit of worry in my head and I suppose it's due to the bloody fact that it's only two days to the 17th of October, her birthday. I'm almost panicking inside really. Sigh.

Tuesday and it's been an odd day all over.

Woke up early to clear my work, then started working on writing the letters to her. Totally went into emo overdrive while writing it, really not the best feelings to have when trying to write a convincing statement to win back the heart and feelings. But I suppose being pretty honest would work in letting her know how I feel. Broke down and feel the tears well up at different points, but well, finally got the letter written and wrote another one that sounded a lot more positive. At least this way she'll be able to keep the nice one if she didn't want to read the bad one.

Met up with a friend, Kevin, for lunch which ended up being a five hour marathon at the happy place. Had a good conversation too that included random thoughts about people, women, how I'm a decent guy, how decent guys don't get girls and why women are actually more crazy about donuts than guys. Followed up with a drink at Starbucks and more chatting as we relaxed. Ended up missing class since he managed me to relax a bit and not be too occupied about being in such control of everything.

Sigh, got the letters mailed after that along with a birthday card. I think it's one of my more simpler presents to her, but well, until things are certain, I suppose sending big gifts or even money to her wouldn't be the brightest of ideas. But then she needs help and I suppose that's where my weak point is.

Oh well, slowly and surely something gonna give. Either her resolve to be distant from me or my resolve to be close to her. I really wish and hope it won't be the latter.

It's one of those mornings, of course it's a Monday too.

Nothing much happened at work. Boss is on a holiday in Langkawi to celebrate his birthday with his family so there's technically nothing happening in the office I have to pay particular attention to. Been working on the assignments for school but not with complete gusto as I had on Saturday.

Probably because my stomach and gut are totally wrenching over thinking about her, which yes I am still doing. Although another friend has been taking great efforts to keep me entertained to get my mind off her. It's helping but not too much since I'm having to deal with it in my mind on my own too.

I'm just really confused on how I should be moving on or trying to get back with her. Both are viable options that I wouldn't mind, but yes, I would seriously be a lot more happier being back with her. As if she would be reading this and thinking about that.

I think that's the worse thing, not knowing what she's thinking and having to deal with the fact that she could be just thinking completely about something else that doesn't include me as a part of her life. GAH.

Oi, looks like I missed like 2 days from the fact that I've been too konked out to write.

Life is disturbing and confusing, that's a certainty at least. Now she's back from outer space and back to bother me. And it's working quite well in her favour. I don't know whether to let go or make things work. I want things to work but she doesn't and I suppose at this point, like any other point in my life with her, she's in control once again and I'm just the one tied on the string and letting myself get dragged around. I really don't mind that, but I wish she'd give me a little respect, which she tends to do from time to time.

I guess I'm just a sucker for that kind of situation and I do hate myself for it, but there's nothing I can do if it's something I want, and my heart and gut and brain are pretty much screaming in unison that I want to get back with her and make her happy. But that isn't going to be much of a possibility for a long long while if ever.

Trying to deal with things last night and meeting up with friends was both good and bad at the same time. And I truly profess that I really don't like beer as much as a guy should and mixing it with stout can only make it so much worse. But well, people were more emo and upset than I was last night at least. Although I came close to winning the race somewhere around 2am or so. She had to start showing me pictures and showing me pictures with her having happy faces with another guy in it. And of course the brain started reacting threateningly and it's not going to help anything at all for my case.

I hate that so much and I guess she knows it and is trying to make me 'accept' that it's over. If she really wanted to, I don't really know what she wants. Guess I'll just let myself stay on that string for however long it takes until she finds someone else to string around. I just hope they do as good or a better job at giving her what she wants.

I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have thrown away the key.

No Mercy - Where do you go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yt-KMPvgKPo

Where do you go, my lovely
Where do you go
I wanna know, my lovely, I wanna know

Where do you go, oh oh eh oh
I wanna know, oh oh eh oh
Where do you go, oh oh eh oh...
I wanna know

You leave without a word, no message, no number
And now my head is pounding like rolling thunder
You left me with a heartache deep inside
Girl you should see me cry all night, and I wonder

Everybody says, what a shame, what is wrong
They don't like the game we play
Heard you're hanging round every night until dawn
I'm waiting for you night and day

You gotta break the silence, don't keep me waiting
Just like a river flowing to the sea
You're running back to me
Come hear what I'm saying

Where do you go, My Lovely
I wanna know

Where do you go, oh oh oh...
Where do you go, oh oh oh...
I wanna know
Where do you, where do you go?...

Save me...

Come back and dry the tears, I cried for you baby
You've gotta stop this heartache deep inside
You've gotta help me make it through the night safely
Come back and save me

I can feel my heart getting smaller and smaller.

I think I'm dying inside again. She's started talking to me and slowly and sure it's wearing down my resolve and just ripping me apart at the seams, and once again, feels like she doesn't care and just wants to get whatever she wants to get off her chest off at me. I don't know if she just feels comfortable talking to me or she just wants to string me along or something, I'm just in that state of 'whatever just keeps me from going crazy'.

Can't do anything to get closer, can't do anything to get away. I feel like a deer in the headlights of a trailer truck. I can't run back, can't run forward and the lights of the truck are just so blindingly appealing and I know it's just going to run me down.

The disappointment here is that it won't kill me. Ripped, torn, battered and destroyed, but very very much alive and hurting. I almost wish there was a quick way to end it, but that would involve me jumping out my window or going over to Germany to end her life. Either being stupid options. But then, the first and best solution I want just won't work out until she turns around again.

Sigh. Lots of sighs.

It's 10am on a Wednesday morning, mid-week here we go.

Slept at 4am this morning, no prizes for guessing why though. This time, the night exploration led to the more obscure parts of Punggol. And boy was it interesting. Lots of LRT stations built and going into what looks like nowhere, but we've gathered that there'll probably be massive amounts of housing there in time to come.

Work's going fine as usual. Managed to get more tickets given out, although one involves me making a trip over to Commonwealth to deliver the tickets. Kinda going out of my way, but I hate to see $300 tickets go to waste.

On the social side, somehow all those horoscope things are rather true. People just want to talk to me as a friend, even the one who supposedly hates me. It's such a confusing thing. Can't I be loved instead by her instead of being hated and then being talked to like nothing's wrong with the situation we're in? Maybe I'm just the one that's dragging myself through the mud here, but still, I miss her and I'm not afraid to admit it because it's true.

Even looking forward to whatever may come doesn't seem right, and seriously it doesn't. But maybe that one error that I committed just completely sealed the death sentence, and yes, I'll hold that regret forever.

Looking forward to lunch later though, I'll get to meet people and that'll probably stem the tide of confused thoughts again. And then I still have to work my mind into concentrating on my marketing project. It's due next week, which means I have to get it done or else there'll be trouble.

P.S Marketing test went a lot easier than I expected, although I'll probably have a couple of wrong answers, but at least the ratio of needed studying to correct answers is almost inversely proportionate.

Massimo Scalici - You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDyZEYUHTBc

It's all right with me
as long as you
are by my side

Talk or just say nothing
I don't mind your looks never lie
I was always on the run
finding out what I was looking for

And I was always insecure
just until I found

Words often don't come easy
I never learned
to show you the inside of me
I know my baby

You were always patient
dragging out what I try to hide

I was always on the run
finding out what I was looking for
and I was always insecure
until I found

You, you were always on my mind
you, you're the one I've been living for
you, you're my everlasting fire
you're my always shining star

The night's always a good friend
a glass of wine, and the lights are low
you lying beside me, me full of love
and filled with hope

Dropped into the office.

Came in to drop off the tickets for tonight and tomorrow since there's obviously not a chance of me getting anyone to take them and attend the performances. Seems the only one who's completely keen on them or doing something about them is @BigB3n. The irony indeed. I mean, part of me is like 'Sure, take all of them off my hands.' But the other bit says 'I still have some responsibility to know these tickets are going to actually random people who have made an effort to join Twinity or something to that extent.

I suppose it's the difference between professionalism and just getting the job done. But at the moment, I think just getting the job done might be a better idea instead of having the tickets go to waste.

There's also the Marketing class test that I'm going to have in about 5 hours. Something I have to clearly admit I haven't done the least bit of studying for. But at least it's just multiple choice questions and True or False questions. There's between a 25-50% chance of getting the answers right even if I have no clue. General knowledge and crapology to the rescue!

Brain's still going on overdrive which explains why I'm blogging everything down again. Just for nostalgia and posterity in the future when I can look back and see how much of an ass or idiot I was. Isn't that so much joy in remembering the past and feeling like you stabbed yourself in the gut again? Man I should go read my Livejournal again too. Haha.

It's 1.30am.

Maybe it's a little of not getting enough sleep or just letting things fall to the side as I let the little things pile up on me once again. I think it's happening almost once a week, hopefully there'll be a time when it's once a month, and then later or maybe never.

I'm in that neutral sort of mood, not that there's anything major that should be bringing me down but that I feel that little nagging feeling of dissatisfaction in how my life is. It's different from the 'I want to do more stuff' when I was in a relationship. Here, it just seems that there's a little hole each time I'm out doing something or getting something done. I mean I enjoy my outings and the bursts of excitement that comes with it, but something just feels off. I think a couple of people would probably try to kick me in the head for saying that. I don't think I'm still that hung up, but I suppose it plays a part.

Right now it's just that consideration on what's ahead in life, in terms of social relationships. On one hand, I don't think I really want to go through dealing with someone only to have it fall apart again. On the other hand, I really don't fancy myself being single once I go into my thirties. Almost sounds like my biological clock is ticking away or something.

Maybe it's just confusion and I'm just dealing with that horrible in-between period. Sometimes it just gets confusing with all the different analytic scenarios people come up with. Am I holding on to a dream, am I just too afraid, am I just not looking on the bright side, are things just meant to be this way. So many thoughts, so many options, so many choices.

I think right now, the simplest fact is... I just want to be me and just try to be something else for someone and just hope that maybe, there'll be someone who feels that they could be someone for me.

Cos I'm just drained out of feelings and I'm all out of love. *cue song*

Surprisingly, something just came into my mind about blogging once again. I always used to say that I'd end up blogging when I was depressed or emotional; but it seems like it's more of losing an outlet of communication. (That being the end of a significant relationship)

So here it is again, and I'm ironically back on blogspot since it's connected to Gmail and all that. (Google's seriously going to take over the world sooner or later and we'll all be customers of a megacompany rather than citizens of any nations.) I don't know exactly how long all this blogging will go on since eventually I'll either lobotomize myself or find someone I can feel comfortable enough with to share all of this mental thunderstorm raging in my mind.

Then the next question pops up. Am I writing this for myself or is it for someone/random people to read? I guess it's not easy to answer since I'm posting in a public domain and not writing in one of those little diaries. (I wonder how girly that would be) But well, it's just going to appear somewhere for people to read and I'm sure eventually I'll give the link to friends or someone will stumble through it.

Kinda sulky for a first post but then it's just this outlet for getting a little bit of my headache out of my head. Maybe I should try starting a book or something, that would be extremely interesting I suppose.