The stress over her is coming back again, which explains why I'm blogging right now.

Everytime she says she has a male friend over, it makes me panic, and I know exactly why. It's not like she's done it when we were a couple but she's doing it now, which pretty well means that she's definitely made it clear to the people around her that she's not with me anymore. And for a guy to be there with her also means that he likes her and she's probably not doing anything to prevent anything from going further in terms of the guy asking her to get into a relationship.

I know it and I'm panicking and dying over this and I know that I totally can't do anything about it. It's making my heart tear itself to pieces and my emotions are just reaching a point where I'm just about to explode again. I want to tell her that I love her and I want her to be mine again and I know that I can't. And every thing is just in her court and she has absolute control over the situation. Not that it really seems that she cares anyway since she's possibly going to get into some relationship with a guy that I have no idea if she cares for or not. I could put the little bits together and it would just paint a picture I'm completely not willing to accept. I wish it would turn out the other way somehow and have her say that she still cares for me or just tell me in some little way or another than she loves me.

But I guess she doesn't. Maybe somehow someway, I have to really learn someway to let go of her, which will tear me to pieces, because I'm so sure that I'll never find someone like her ever again that could give me the feeling the way she could make me feel.