My stomach is churning like crazy today.

Could be because of something I ate, or just having that horrid feeling once again. Really feeling completely uneasy when I think about her today. And I know I shouldn't be and if I am feeling that way, I should just get my ass down to Germany to see her. But she won't want to see me and I'll probably get more shit for flying down just like that. I guess I really don't get women and I probably never will.

I just miss her and I'm thinking of every single way I might have a chance to convince her that I care enough to be committed to her and that I really hope that she'll understand that. But every option I've thought about potentially wouldn't work or just doesn't seem to have a chance of succeeding. I somewhat feel like I'm being bounced around slightly and at her beck and call, but I really know that I can't afford to lose her. I don't see myself in any sort of relationship with anyone else. After all, I've tried looking at the option before and it clearly didn't happen in any shape or form, except for that one stupid mistake, and I'm really never going to walk down that path again.

I wish she could understand that I'm really serious about our relationship, not that I've never been and that we could work things out. After all, I can't be that horrid a guy can I?

Sigh.

I've not tweeted for almost 3 days.

Not a big deal for some, but I guess it deserves a little bit of a mention since she used to complain that I am such a 'Twitter freak'. Which I suppose makes a little bit of sense. The tweets seemed to have gotten worse after I got my new phone, but the last two days have shown, that it's not really a big deal to just stop posting and having conversations on Twitter.

Talking about conversations, it's surprising how easily it is to stop people from talking to you. All you have to do is stop responding to them, but then it really takes away that entire point of 'if people like you, they'll always want to talk to you or find out how you are'. Ok, maybe I'm pushing the envelope with that a little too much, but then isn't it allowed for me to have some sort of expectations with certain things?

I suppose I'm just not really that important in the eyes of most people. And everyone wonders why I'm clinging so hard to my ex. For the main reason that, AT THE END, SHE STILL CARES A LOT MORE THAN MOST OF THE OTHER PEOPLE I'VE MET IN MY LIFE.

And yes, I don't have to move on and deal with it. More than enough people have aptly proven to me that moving on doesn't bring anything positive with it. There's an element of trust in any situation and in any direction. And if you're just acting concerned because it makes you feel like you're doing something good, then maybe you're doing something wrong. Because at the end, it takes a little bit of commitment somehow to get things done.

Missed posting on Sunday since I was sort of making a concentrated effort at staying off the internet. Or rather, just chatting with people.

I went for 24 full hours and I'm pretty proud of it, not that it's anything amazing. Just felt that I wanted to do it because I just got sick of feeling that situation where I'm trying too hard with everything. And it always feels that way with everything, especially most people. You know the situation where people are picking teams for games and stuff? I'm pretty sure 99% of the time, I'd probably be passed on or just picked last. It's getting annoying but I suppose that's just how things are in my life.

I might be nitpicking on this, but when it turns out all the time that people just don't have any interest in hanging out with me, I suppose it's just me and I'm just not the sort of person people have any interest in hanging out with. I guess I'm just ranting for the sake of ranting, I mean, I do accept that stupid situation but it's just bleh.

Okay, total rant in this post, and there's nothing much else that I feel like saying. Gotta look at work this week and probably some bit of school assignments too. I just wish something positive happened today.

It's the 17th of October. ARGH.

It's her birthday today and my mind is in a complete turmoil. Totally feel like screaming and finding a way to get over this frustration. I know I love her and I hate knowing that she just doesn't want to love me again. It feels like she does have some feelings in there still but she's just refusing to let me in again because of things that have happened. But maybe I can just find some way to work myself back in, slowly.

Wrote 2 letters, a card and sent an email. And wished her a good birthday on her Facebook like she requested. Maybe I'm just being too obedient, but at least she's still wanting attention from me. Sounds silly but it's a positive thing for me to try to work with. It's just a lot better than having her tell me she wants completely nothing to do with me. Maybe it's a lie, maybe it's just her wanting something for herself without giving anything in return. I don't know, but if I keep thinking that way, I won't be able to put in the right effort.

It's a complicated mess and I know I only want one outcome from it, the other outcomes are a lot more possible to happen, but the one that I want, the more I have to work harder at it to prove to her that I'm serious this time and that I really want to make everything work out with her.

Here's wishing and hoping and praying and working my ass off to make what I want happen.

You Keep Me Hangin' On - Dianna Argon (from the TV series GLEE, orginally by Diana Ross and the Supremes)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMJeZMfGu_I


Set me free, why don't cha babe
Get out my life, why don't cha babe
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on
You don't really need me
But you keep me hangin' on

Why do you keep a coming around
Playing with my heart?
Why don't you get out of my life
And let me make a new start?
Let me get over you
The way you've gotten over me

Set me free, why don't cha babe
Let me be, why don't cha babe
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on
Now you don't really want me
You just keep me hangin' on

You say although we broke up
You still wanna be just friends
But how can we still be friends
When seeing you only breaks my heart again
And there ain't nothing I can do about it

Woo, set me free, why don't cha babe
Woo, get out my life, why don't cha babe
Set me free, why don't cha babe
Get out my life, why don't cha babe

You claim you still care for me
But your heart and soul needs to be free
Now that you've got your freedom
You wanna still hold on to me
You don't want me for yourself
So let me find somebody else Hey!

Why don't you be a man about it
And set me free
Now you don't care a thing about me
You're just using me
Go on, get out, get out of my life
And let me sleep at night
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on...

Lots of random things happening, in all situations.

School has been a little hectic, managed to finish two key assignments for the week and have a bit of a breather for the moment. Ended class early yesterday and a couple of us decided to grab dinner together. Turned out to be a pretty interesting conversation and I got to talk to another one of my classmates that I actually haven't spoken to before in the course of the semester. Surprising isn't it?

Apart from that, managed to keep the day under proper emotions, and complete my assignment at the same time. Things got a little convoluted into the later part of the evening as the ex popped in to chat with me, which of course opened up that old can of worms and got me a little frightened. I really don't know what she's thinking and where we stand and it really really sucks.

Got dragged out by my friend to go exploring random parts of Singapore again, which also ended up being a really long two hour drive. Seriously, it's amazing to know all the odd little hidden corners of Singapore that can be frighteningly dark and spooky. But well, at least I can say I've seen those odd places that most people wouldn't even think of going to. I guess that's something positive to bring out of it.

Work's going fine, except a new patch has seemed to completely screw everything in the world up. Just crossing my fingers here and hoping that a reinstall will be able to fix some of the issue somehow before I end up complaining that it's totally screwed and they have to do a rollback of the patch.

There's a slight growing bit of worry in my head and I suppose it's due to the bloody fact that it's only two days to the 17th of October, her birthday. I'm almost panicking inside really. Sigh.

Tuesday and it's been an odd day all over.

Woke up early to clear my work, then started working on writing the letters to her. Totally went into emo overdrive while writing it, really not the best feelings to have when trying to write a convincing statement to win back the heart and feelings. But I suppose being pretty honest would work in letting her know how I feel. Broke down and feel the tears well up at different points, but well, finally got the letter written and wrote another one that sounded a lot more positive. At least this way she'll be able to keep the nice one if she didn't want to read the bad one.

Met up with a friend, Kevin, for lunch which ended up being a five hour marathon at the happy place. Had a good conversation too that included random thoughts about people, women, how I'm a decent guy, how decent guys don't get girls and why women are actually more crazy about donuts than guys. Followed up with a drink at Starbucks and more chatting as we relaxed. Ended up missing class since he managed me to relax a bit and not be too occupied about being in such control of everything.

Sigh, got the letters mailed after that along with a birthday card. I think it's one of my more simpler presents to her, but well, until things are certain, I suppose sending big gifts or even money to her wouldn't be the brightest of ideas. But then she needs help and I suppose that's where my weak point is.

Oh well, slowly and surely something gonna give. Either her resolve to be distant from me or my resolve to be close to her. I really wish and hope it won't be the latter.