Things really went super bad today, I was right.

The window looks more and more tempting each day. A moment of freefall, a large impact and sound and it's all over. Hopefully it would kill me upon impact, if not, I'll die between the arrival of someone calling the ambulance and before it comes. It would suck to live after that.

Things are just falling apart from me, there's not a single thing that I can say right now that makes me happy, but everyone around me seems to have a much better life than I. I want to hurt, I want to not be healthy, I want to suffer. Just not this emotional hurt that kills me more. I want something to hurt so much more than this emotional hurt would be meaningless in comparison.

Like people say, Death is the final release. I really want to be able to shuffle off this mortal coil.

It's a Monday and I'm feeling so dead, inside and outside and every little bit of my heart.

I have no right to feel this way about someone who doesn't have any feelings for me, but then it's impossible to say that I don't feel a single thing about it. It's the most terrible feeling and it's probably because we've been at it for such a long time. And right now it just really really sucks to have to move on, and I have a feeling that in some way, she hasn't moved on too much as well as much as she talks to me, but it seems to fleeting and yes, it's quite obviously that there's nothing and no sort of attachment that she feels for me and as the days pass, I'm sure that it gets lesser and lesser.

I want her back, I want her back so badly that I'm just so tempted to walk infront of a bus or car everyday. I hate myself, a lot.

The stress over her is coming back again, which explains why I'm blogging right now.

Everytime she says she has a male friend over, it makes me panic, and I know exactly why. It's not like she's done it when we were a couple but she's doing it now, which pretty well means that she's definitely made it clear to the people around her that she's not with me anymore. And for a guy to be there with her also means that he likes her and she's probably not doing anything to prevent anything from going further in terms of the guy asking her to get into a relationship.

I know it and I'm panicking and dying over this and I know that I totally can't do anything about it. It's making my heart tear itself to pieces and my emotions are just reaching a point where I'm just about to explode again. I want to tell her that I love her and I want her to be mine again and I know that I can't. And every thing is just in her court and she has absolute control over the situation. Not that it really seems that she cares anyway since she's possibly going to get into some relationship with a guy that I have no idea if she cares for or not. I could put the little bits together and it would just paint a picture I'm completely not willing to accept. I wish it would turn out the other way somehow and have her say that she still cares for me or just tell me in some little way or another than she loves me.

But I guess she doesn't. Maybe somehow someway, I have to really learn someway to let go of her, which will tear me to pieces, because I'm so sure that I'll never find someone like her ever again that could give me the feeling the way she could make me feel.

I really should pay a lot more attention to blogging, it's a good practice for venting frustration and writing.

Sitting at the TP once again, coming early is turning into a natural habit since it's boring to sit at home. The human crowd is interesting to look at from time to time, and although I've got the headphones on to drown out the noise of the crowd, there's just something nice to be able to observe other people. There's just that little bit of horridness in being alone, but it's nice to be an unknown among the crowd as well.

I'm so troubled and it's pretty obvious it's self-inflicted. After all, I'm still here pining away for her and she's trying to make it even more and more obvious that there's not sense of logical hope between us getting back together. But then she still talks to me, shares issues and admits that I'm a great help to her. I suppose it's like I'm being made used of, but there's nothing else I can do about it either. I'm stuck in this situation because I don't want any other conclusion to this relationship. I want to be with her, I want to have her love and I want to spend my life with her.

I wish I could ask her to marry me, but that probably has no chance of happening at this point in time, and I suppose I'm working towards that one moment where it could possibly allow me to ask her that one thing. As much as it can be said that time can heal all wounds, sometimes it just serves to drive the rift further apart as she has mentioned from time to time during our relationship. I suppose I'm just a really sad soul right now and I'm finally just coming to accept this as part of how my life is and will be. Maybe at some point, I'll finally destroy myself or just reach a point where someone will just put me out of my misery.

I guess I'm just shattered by how things could have worked but just fell apart so suddenly. I really thought things were starting to work out and I was wishing and hoping that the pain and troubles of our relationship would be over. After all, everything was pretty much set in motion, but it just fell through in a single catastrophic event.

If only I could turn back time and fixed things. But now, I can only hope for that brief glimmer of light in the future to make everything right for both her and myself.

I can only hope and wish now can't I?

Looks like it's been a week since I last blogged.

Things have been pretty hectic and I didn't get around to sitting down and remembering what I wanted to blog about. Plus things with the ex have improved seemingly quite drastically and I'm hoping that's a good sign, after all, the more I'm with her and happy together with her, the less I have a need to blog.

Currently in KL and trying to see if I'm able to just let go of things for a while, which obviously can't be possible since I'm online. It's like I'm so far from her but I'm never really that much further away in any sense. The distance probably only feels a lot more apparent when I'm not online. Just hoping that my lack of concentrated effort to be present this weekend won't cause something bad to happen in our 'relationship'. I know I shouldn't even be considering things like that, after all, her conversation with me yesterday sort of hinted that she really doesn't want to hear things about me saying how much I care for her or love her.

Which makes itself a confusing situation since she did accept my offer of money to help her get her netbook and to facilitate anything else she needed. I suppose that's a bad way to think that it might have negative impact on our relationship, but then I really don't know what else to do. I really do hope I might have an opportunity to see her at the end of the year someway or another. I'm already planning how to save up some money to buy a small ring and to propose to her, but I don't know if that's going to work or just make her reject me even more.

I am afraid of losing her and I know some of the things I am doing at the moment could either improve my chances of being together with her for certain once again or end up being a really deep nail in the coffin. I guess the anxiety and the worry are crawling back into my thoughts randomly and I'm just blogging to get them out of my head.

I want things to work, I want her to know that she can love me once again without fear. I know it's seemingly selfish and demanding and I know it probably is. But I guess that's just the one thing I really want in life now. To be with her.

Sitting here at Sentosa and feeling completely like crap.

All being here now does is remind me that I'm not with her and it just tears me into tiny little bits inside. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way still but I will continue to as much as I live. It was something good when we were together aand i was and am sure it would keep being that way. What we fought about from time to time were over the smallest and pointless things just probably due to the frustrations of being apart. I can admit that i miss her and I don't resent her for her choice. I'm just hoping to be able at the least to make things right and win her heart back. Nothing else really seems to matter at this point and it's not just the words based on me being a sad little boy.

It's love or the way I feel it. I want my life with her and really no one else.

Kinda feels like an extended time that I haven't blogged, but it's only been 2 days.

No idea at all why I'm doing this at 3am in the morning. Since I'll probably have something else to blog about sometime in the day later. But well, it's just good to have something to let out before I go to bed. Logically it's supposed to keep myself from having nightmares if I go to bed with a very occupied frame of mind.

Things seem and feel as if they're looking up on a very positive side for me with her. But I don't really know how positive they are at the moment and if they'll stay positive for long. I suppose in the soon to be immortalised words of Beyonce "If you like it you should've put a ring on it." and essentially, that's what I'm working towards into doing sometime in the upcoming new year. Whether that will happen, itself is a huge risk that I'm undertaking, although at some point I'm sure to have that feeling that I'm heading for an epic fail situation.

But I think my mind is pretty set on that somehow. Which isn't a good thing since love is and has to be mutual and at the moment, it's not exactly pretty roses and cute kitties on both sides of the fence. The main factor at the moment is that I really need to save up whatever spare money I have, which technically should be quite a bit, to both pay for a ring and for my plane ticket to actually fly over and propose. Depending on the situation as well, I'll have to have enough cash to tide me over staying in a hotel for an indefinite amount of time there too. This is just one of those plans that should work in some simplistic manner, but because of the entirely human element on which it is based on, I'm also possibly heading for a one way ticket to my own personal nightmare.

I know, I should have done most of what I should have done years ago, in fact if I had done it last year and didn't be a screwed up asshole, life could possibly be a little more assured right now. Seriously, I think I make some really bad choices in life and really end up leaving too many things for too late and this time, I really want to make it right and get everything going in the direction that I want.

I want her to be happy and I want to be happy too. And in my current frame of mind and hope for the future, that situation will stem from us being together. Of course marriage is a big thing and I'm not just throwing this out on a whim but over a very thought out and calculated course of action that I hope to take in the next 2-3 months. The plan of action is already underway and I just have to ensure that I don't end up doing something that could intentionally mess up whatever I am planning. I don't want another heartbreak, either for her or for me and in future, the main thing is to make everything work.

Ich liebe dich...